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About Deviant Official Beta Tester abunai59United States Group :iconda-engineering: dA-Engineering
Be proud to be an Engineer!
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Critiques


:iconthewrittenrevolution: I found your style of writing endearing, as it is somewhat similar to my own. In this critique, I would like to highlight a few things I liked about your poem and also offer a few tips that may help you with future pieces (hopefully). On the theme, it took me a little delving to get into it proper...


:iconthewrittenrevolution: I found the images in this poem, though simple and possibly even commonplace, intense and refreshing. This is not a bad thing; in fact, it's even cooler that you were able to use ordinary images in an interesting way. You used a single color, gray, which my imagination responded to with a grayscal...

Official deviantART critiques I've done. These are mostly, if not completely, for poetry works; as poetry is one of the few subjects on which I have enough insight to critique.

deviantID

abunai59
abunai59
United States
Computer Engineering, Poetry, Music, Love, Life.
コンピュータ工学,詩、音楽、愛、命。
Interests
Oh, the things we'll do for a badge...

Anyway, deviantART has been an awesome place for me to take my hobby of writing poetry to the next level.  I started writing back in 2007 and I got pretty popular in certain circles on the interweebs.  Looking back, my writing was really not the greatest, but it was a good start.

Jump ahead 5 years.  It's 2012, and I decide to do my first poetry submission on deviantART.  I had no idea where it would take me, or if it would even matter at all, but I thought it would be fun to share some of my mediocre work.  My first submission "eyes" was a poem about an experience I had over the summer of that year with a friend who I am still unsure of to this day.
 
eyesi couldn't look at your face today
your eyes, they shone
  a sparkle of innocence
  a hint of something less
was it possible?
could you feel the uneasiness,
  the brittle beat of my heart
  the stain of my fate,
    lingering in my voice?
have i emulated myself well enough?
-though i could not stare or gaze
  but merely glance
have i risen, like the pheonix,
so cliche, glazing over
  this infernally scathing
  turn of events?
i am the master of my fate
i am the captain of my soul
  but how can i go alone
  into these uncharted waters?
when i'm with you, life is life,
alive, exciting and always new
  and may it always be
what color were your eyes today?
i couldn't stare into them
so bright, yet so lifeless...
i wish you wouldn't...
  ...hide them
  like you're ashamed
    though maybe
     it's better this way


Looking back at this poem, I can still remember all the feelings and thoughts that came with the story.  I can also see how far I've come since then.

So, one day, I took a step that would forever change my view of deviantART, as well as art in general.  I purchased a premium membership and set up all of my poetry so that I could receive critique because I really enjoy discussing poetic style and technique.  In a short while, I was banging out some crazy poetry, and people were telling me how much they loved and hated it.  But most importantly, I was getting terrific amounts of feedback.

The poem "Coffee-fueled Rage" is a great example of the crazy spin on free-verse I started using.  I'm a super cool and chill software engineer now, but at the time I wrote this poem, I was going insane with homework and exams and just too much coffee.  One night when I was being an insomniac (as usual) I took my love for coding and poetry and smashed them together, resulting in poetry that was very entertaining to some, and just flat out crass to others.

Coffee-fueled Ragefingers blazing away,
while(1) {
   taptaptaptaptaptaptaptap;  // fingers
   taptaptaptaptaptaptaptap;  // blazing
   taptaptaptaptap;           // away,
   taptap;                    // \n\n
   taptaptaptaptap;           // while
   taptaptap;                 // (1)
   taptap;                    //  {
};
insomniacly feeding the page
with characters
 words and phrases
 clips of code or
 poetic blunders
// thankgodfor the [


Yeah, it was strange, but it was good fuel to get me started on a poetic rampage.  I just needed to focus and find a direction to point all this energy.  That's where the dA poetry community came in.

I became a member of theWrittenRevolution, and I've got to say:  this group does it right.  For each submission to the group, you must critique a submission of another member.  This is so wonderful because you are (almost) guaranteed some sort of critique on your work, and you are also forced to exercise your critiquing skills on others, which happens to be a superb way of improving your own writing skills as well as technical and observational skills.  The reasons go on as well.  When I give advice to other people, I really try my best to dig deep and give them something that will help them on future poems, not just the one I'm critiquing.  When people tell me that they've benefitted from my critique, it gives me a feeling that nothing else can compare to.

There were some hard times as well though.  I took some criticism to heart and it really shook me.  For a very long time, I did not feel confident that anything I wrote was even mediocre at best.  I even wrote some crazy stuff about how I am not an artist, trying to rationalize the feelings I was having.

I am not an artist.I don't write poetry for fans; I write it for myself.
I simply write so that I can understand what I'm thinking.
So why do I post my work?
Though I don't really care if people like my work, I do care about being able to express myself properly, and I highly value feedback that helps me to improve my abilities.  Therefore, I will also post poetry that I know isn't very good.
Value criticism.
Value inadequacy.
Without them, there can be no progress.


But in the end, that wasn't enough to break me for good.  Just like any kid who falls off a skateboard or a bike, I got back on and really took my time writing poetry that I could be proud of.  Poetry that I knew was good.  Apparently, some other people thought it was good too...

On August 30, 2013, just a few days after the first anniversary of the first poem I uploaded to deviantART, I received a Daily Deviation for my poem "nightly".

nightlyChirp and fiddle
aloft gentle breeze;
silent migration (sleepily)
across starlit summer:
Sky and cloud part,
  passers-by,
over riven lips of earth
and porous strips of sidewalk.
I write to dawnbreak;
  open arms (impatiently)
  waiting
  to bask in the warm rays of
  anyone.
(streaks of blue
across twinkling sea)


It wasn't a grand poem about epic battles or a sappy love story, or even the universe of software.  I was out in my driveway, reveling at the simple beauty of the night.  It was the first time that I took a serious approach to crafting a poem in a manner that wasn't simply writing what I felt.  For this poem, I wrote my thoughts out, then about a dozen revisions in my notebook with all the variations I could think of.  In the end, I came out with an entirely new perspective to writing that I will continue to apply to my work until I come up with a better process.  Oh yeah, and I got a ton of attention from a bunch of people who really liked what I did.  It was also a great confidence booster and a great way to end that huge slump I was just in.


And here we are now.  It is 2014; deviantART's 14th birthday, and I'm writing a journal article so that I can get a '14 badge to display on my page.  But more importantly, this was a great opportunity to reflect on everything that's happened and to look to the future.  After getting that Daily Deviation, I went on a super long hiatus that I'm just starting to get back from.

How will my work change?  What kind of crazy things will I do in the future?  I haven't the slightest clue at the moment.
What I do know is that I will continue to share my work and my thoughts with the wonderful community here at deviantART.  I hope lots of people read this so they finally know that I'm not as apathetic and celestial as my poetry might make me seem.  (And that I really appreciate all the support, as well as criticism I'm getting).

I would like to close this journal entry by posting a few of my newest works.  I've gotten into photography (sorta, I still need my own camera), and I'm getting back into calligraphy - I can finally do it on my computer now, and I think it looks not-too-shabby.  And hopefully this will be a great year of improvement for my poetry skills.

Please don't hesitate to check out my page and my gallery if you liked anything on here.

Thanks for reading!
(No, really, thank you very much for reading this super long journal.  It means a lot to me.)


The Sky Above by abunai59 au revoirsouthern seas and ocean folly
skies twist colorwise
billow, warmly, smooth, silky sails
crosslaced nimbly, fluttering,
mid balmy aftereve.

her world and oursher world and ours
tangent only at fingers' tips,
she sailed the stellar seas,
dreams escaping gravity,
and felt humanity could never be as grand
as the sand between her toes
and the sun's warm embrace,
or the way the ocean always managed
to slip away between her fingertips
Aus dem Nachlasse - Vorklange 5. (Preview) by abunai59

Comments


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:iconblackbowfin:
BlackBowfin Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Hobbyist Writer
Hello there and thank you for faving Poor Wooden Puppy.  It's much appreciated.  Have a good weekend!  :highfive:
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:iconourage:
ourage Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2014  New member Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for adding my poem to your collection! And you're an engineer? That's impressive! I could never make it; I'm way too dumb Giggle 
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(1 Reply)
:icon91816119:
91816119 Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2014   Writer
Thank you so much, my dear. :heart:
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:iconsatoshiii:
SatoshiII Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Long time no see, stranger.
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:iconohineedtea:
OHiNeedTea Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014   Writer
Thanks for the fav :D
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:icon91816119:
91816119 Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2014   Writer
Thank you so much, honey. :heart:
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:iconrepublic2033:
Republic2033 Featured By Owner Jan 8, 2014
thanks for faving :happybounce: I really appreciate it !
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:iconakai-karasu:
Akai-karasu Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm pretty late, but still: thanks for collecting 'values! :)
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:icontales-of-tao:
Tales-of-Tao Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2013  Student General Artist
Thank you for the :+fav:, and the incredibly helpful critique. :iconarmstrongtighthugplz:
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